My name is Wendy OC and my journey started 10 yrs ago, I was one year clean and sober and all hell broke loose around me.
Hello, Fellow wArrior
My husband was still drinking, my children were battling addiction and I was a bag of nerves, meaning I was reacting to everything going on around me. Then came a defining moment...
my StOrY
It was the morning of June 2, 2015, at 11am. I remember it like yesterday! I could hear my son's phone alarm, ringing continuously. I recall thinking, what the hell!! So, I entered his room, like I had any other morning. Except this morning, something felt off. I proceeded to the bed, when I did, my heart dropped. I knew right then and there, my son was gone. You see, I’m a retired Health Care Aide, I’ve seen death many times but today, death came to my door. It wasn’t something happening to someone else, it was happening to me.
At this moment everything faded to black and instinct kicked in.
That’s when I wailed out a horrendous cry, I reached over the bed and cradled my son in my arms. I placed him on the floor and began CPR but to no avail, he was gone, my son was gone!! Addiction had taken the life of my 19 yr old son. On the 3rd night of his passing my son came to me in a dream. It was the most vivid dream I’ve ever had. He stood at the side of my bed calling my name and when I turned to look at him he said, mom, I’m still here!! As I reached out to touch him he faded off. That day I was so distraught and raw with emotion, the image didn't leave my mind, I carried it, causing me to drink one more time!! But when I did, something happened. I had a moment of clarity. One that became my defining moment. I asked myself, am I going to allow my son's death to take me to a dark place one of self-pity and shame? Or, am I going to show my son how much his life meant to me by giving his life meaning? I chose meaning. I began my journey and noticed, with time, that I created a ripple effect one that extended out to my husband and other members of my family. This is the difference one life can make in this case, it was the life of my son Ryan that is responsible for changing us all.
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Addiction in our family is a generational cycle. One that was viewed as normal, holding onto our very essence as though it were kin. We knew addiction very well. As a mother of three beautiful children, I endured the loss of my son, Ryan, to addiction’s tight holding grip. I was devastated. I was consumed by guilt. I was suffering in silence. I noticed there was a disconnect between my choices and how they affected my children. When Ryan passed away, I became aware that my connection to my children affected them in such a way, that they didn’t see the importance of their own lives.
So I had some serious questions that needed to be answered...
How did I want Ryan’s life to be represented? Do I continue to make the choices I have always made? Or do I see Ryan’s life as an extension of my own and allow it to matter?
I decided that I was going to let my love for my child direct me in the right way and I wanted Ryan to see that the part he played in my life made a difference. I didn’t want him to think for a second that his life didn’t matter, in other words, he never really existed because I never allowed that part into my life; I separated the two and now I was reconnecting myself to my life which meant my children’s lives and I was making his part in it important. So now I have to decide how I was going to do that? What did Ryan bring into my life? He gave it purpose, because he allowed me to see my life for what it was, empty without it, lacking meaning.
I support women who are ready to make an intentional commitment to healing.
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I believe that every woman has the strength and resilience needed to change the narrative and rewrite their story, to one rooted in authenticity.
What I Do Now?
